Masked Emotions - Eruri - ErwinWeek - Day 5: Emotions
by nabawrites
Summary: Erwin didn't have emotions. At least, that was what he liked for people to think.


ErwinWeek2017 – Day 5: Emotions

 _ **A/N I don't know what is with my current obsession with envelopes (beginning and ending a story or poem the same way), but I love it and I've been doing it a lot recently. I hope you guys like this. Portions of it were really hard to write, while others just flowed like water. This isn't my normal writing style, as far as content goes. ErwinWeek is really doing a good job of challenging me as a writer. Enjoy!**_

Erwin didn't have emotions.

At least, that was what he liked for people to think.

He was pretty good at it, making people believe he was a stone-cold, heartless leader who cared not for the lives of his soldiers. It made it easier to stand the guilt of sacrificing said soldiers' lives for the sake of the rest of humanity. He told himself that he looked at the big picture, not the tiny puzzle pieces that make it up. He saw what was best for humanity as a whole, and he carried it out, regardless of the cost of a small portion of it.

Right…

As if he didn't keep track of the body count after every expedition. As if he didn't remember his soldiers' names. As if he didn't lose sleep at night because the nightmares woke him up, replaying the faces of all the people he effectively killed for the greater good. As if the scenes of horror and the wails of grieving mothers didn't affect him at all.

He needed people to believe that about him. Maybe it made it easier for them too. He didn't really believe that, but it helped him sleep at night if he pretended it was true. Erwin didn't like lying, but he was good at it. He was especially good at lying to himself.

There was only one person who truly saw through the blank, emotionless mask he put on every day. Only one person was able to open his 'closed book' and read what was written inside. Only one person could get him to admit the lies he'd told himself, and only one person was trusted enough to see the toll his job took on him.

Levi Ackerman was a special breed, cut from a cloth that couldn't compare to any other. He broke the mold a long time ago, and he unintentionally reminded everyone around him of that fact every day. He was strong, the strongest there ever was, and he never backed down or lost a fight.

But most importantly, he saw through Erwin's mask because he wore the same one. He knew how to open the 'closed book' because they used the same password. He saw through the lies because they were both liars, especially to themselves.

Levi never judged the path Erwin chose to take. He never questioned Erwin's orders because he knew just how hard it was for Erwin to give them in the first place. He never pushed Erwin into admitting something he'd rather not confess, and somehow that made it that much easier to confide in him. Levi understood loss. He understood responsibility for your subordinates. He understood making hard choices, and he understood that the needs of the many often outweighed the needs of the few.

Levi would never betray his trust, would never use any of his past or any of his mistakes against him, and he knew exactly when he wanted to talk and when he wanted to pretend something had never happened. He knew when Erwin needed to stew in what had happened, and he knew what to do when Erwin needed to forget. He knew when Erwin needed space, and he knew when Erwin just wanted to hold him close and focus on the one and only good thing to happen to him since before he'd ever joined the Corps.

That kind of understanding wasn't easy to find. In fact, it was nearly impossible. Erwin didn't know how he could have been so lucky, but he did know he didn't deserve it. But he needed it, needed Levi, so he took everything the man was willing to give him, and he did his best to give in return. He did his best to understand what Levi needed as well as the other man understood him. He'd always been right, ever since he was a child, but that made him no more confident when trying to discern the needs of his lover.

And that's what they were: lovers. They loved each other deeply and completely, though neither of them had ever said so in as many words. They just knew it, because they knew each other. They were both men of action, not words, and they used plenty of actions to show their devotion as often as they could.

But they were also devoted to the Corps, and to humanity, and they did their utmost best to ensure that their love never interfered with their jobs. Lives rested in their hands, and humanity rested on their shoulders. They would never take that lightly. Instead, they shared the burden, because it was both of theirs to carry anyway.

Erwin had never heard of or witnessed a relationship like theirs. Considering their history, what with Levi having, at one point, plotted to kill him at his first opportunity, and what with Erwin's general propensity to never reveal just how sympathetic he was toward a soldier's loss of friends, family, or other loved ones, including the expedition that cost Levi the only friends – the only family – he'd ever really had, you'd think that their relationship would be doomed to failure, ready to implode shortly after it began.

And that would have been true, if they had jumped into it early on. But the attraction, the feelings, and the devotion had taken years to form. Their friendship had been forged in fire long before anything deeper had been a thought in either of their heads. They had taken things remarkably slow: denying their feelings for each other, then ignoring them, then dancing around each other for years in a mutual pining that neither knew was mutual.

When they had both finally accepted their feelings, both Erwin and Levi had pretty much decided to suffer in silence, neither willing to jeopardize either their friendship or their trust. Erwin didn't want to put himself in a position that would make him feel like he was taking advantage of a subordinate, and Levi just genuinely believed that Erwin could never have feelings for him, not like that.

It had taken a particularly bad expedition to bring it all out. More than 50% of the soldiers who went on the expedition died. Another 20% were injured. As good as Levi was, he was among the injured, and he narrowly missed being among the dead. It was only a broken arm, so it definitely could have been worse, but the incident made Erwin realize just how important Levi had become to him. He wasn't sure he could keep going without him.

So when Levi came to his office the day after they got back from the expedition to discuss some things with him, cravat sloppily done as a result of the arm in a sling, Erwin couldn't really stop himself from pushing him against the closed door and kissing him for all it was worth. Levi seemed stunned for the first second – a miracle in and of itself – and Erwin was mentally preparing for Levi to push him away with all the strength he possessed (still considerable even with an arm out of commission). He was actually quite certain that he would be rejected.

For the first time since he was a child, Erwin Smith was wrong.

It took all of two seconds for Levi to overcome his surprise and kiss Erwin back with every ounce of ferocity he had. It was a hard bruising kiss, conveying every word neither of them would ever say out loud: the rising dependence on, the fear of losing, and the silent love for one another. When they pulled away, it left them breathless and speechless, not that either of them would have said anything anyway.

No, they were men of action, not words. They communicated everything they needed to say with further action. Whether that was anther kiss or simply holding each other close, they expressed their inner thoughts quite easily. That was what happened when you spent years fighting beside someone and knew them better than anyone else alive.

Their lives changed that day. It was monumental for them, but it was entirely unnoticeable to the rest of the world. They did their jobs just as they always had, and no one was ever the wiser (except for maybe Hanji, eventually). They loved each other, but no one knew.

After all, Erwin didn't have emotions.

At least, that was what he liked for people to think.


End file.
